moving sidewalks

ink blot america

2012-01-26T12:25:00.000-05:00

inhibit the voltage-dependant sodium channels

2012-01-25T14:49:00.005-05:00

People in Europe love my post about A Girl on a Motorcycle. They love the shit outta it. So do people in Brazil and Japan, but mostly Europeans. It's nice, to have a post loved the shit outta-- but that post? It has nothing to do with me and my presence on this Internet. I guess it does, I wrote it.

This is the larger thing, wtf about a presence(6. an invisible spirit felt to be nearby)on the Internet? Should I give a? I haven't for a while and that's obvious. I've stopped updating this tiny address. But, I have just as much right as you to clutter this Internet. It's a goddamn god-given right to clutter the Internet. I'm holding out this small corner, this tiny smog molecule in a dense sky. And I added another site. I thought, to hell with A Girl on a Motorcycle and those Europeans. I'll do something else, something good, something Kate Wyer. And then I stopped; I stopped updating that other smog, too.

"Take on a little contour, for heaven's sake"- Beckett's first play, a failure. A success for him to figure out what worked. The same, as always, a process.

I got two rejections today. I haven't had an acceptance in a long time. I actually don't want to think about how long, to actually give it a frame. I stopped submitting at all for some time, so I can't expect to get acceptances, now, right? Further demonstrated by

So I lied about stopping this one. I'll make the other one look pretty and professional, a writer needs a professional(writers are very business-like, conferences, name tags)image or place to say, "This is my life's work, take me seriously. I need you."

I need you.

Contour-less

2012-01-02T17:26:00.004-05:00

Please find me here: upturnedface

It's very professional. It's not filled-in or updated. You should take a look. It's nice.

"A Single Man"

2011-12-01T11:00:00.007-05:00

I finally allowed myself to see this movie. I heard Collin Firth on NPR back when it was released and I cried in my car. That scene, when he gets the phone call about his lover's death and how he isn't invited to the funeral and how one of their dogs is dead and the other missing, when I heard his acting it absolutely damaged me for hours after. I wanted to see the movie and I was scared stiff of it.

I heard so much about how gorgeous a film it was, what with superGuccibrainhunkamuncchipmunk directing it.

It is not a gorgeous film.

The scene I described, the telephone call,is incredible. I cried again, all over the place, even though I knew exactly what was going to said and how it was going to be delivered.

Sadly, it was the only one of two true scenes in the film.

The rest of it didn't follow his character in a coherent way. I'm ALL for people breaking character and surprising the audience, upsetting the expectations of the story-- but really, instructing his friend as to what knot (Windsor)he wants for his funeral tie, when he plans to blow his head off, doesn't work. A man so concerned with his image, so concerned as to plan the freaking knot of his tie, would not blow his head off, even if they showed him trying to plan on how to control the brain matter if he did do the blowing. A neck tie with no head.

Stupid.

The filters were also stupid. They announce, "Hey, this is a Film." If you want to use filters and be so obvious, do it in a self-aware, yes, but mocking way. Like Godard's use of filters in the beginning of Contempt. The filters (or probably just CGI, actually) in "A Single Man" appear to make the young boys' faces orange and glow-y, while they ghost out Firth's face. I guess the orange boys symbolize life and hope and youth and the white/grey is the death of hope and life and the despair of getting older. Boo! So obvious!

I think it is worth watching, though. The heart line of the plot is good; the execution doesn't quite match, but still.

The second most powerful scene is when he sees a girl with a fox terrier puppy (the breed of the couple's dogs) and he asks to pet the dog and to smell it.He can't stop breathing in the dog's smell-- a smell he grieves for and one that makes him lose his cool reserve. The girl starts to look panicked by his behavior. It made my heart jump.

And, I half-heartedly apologize for the Godard reference.

NaNoWriMo, 2011

2011-12-01T10:42:00.005-05:00

I did it again! This year was easier and more difficult. It was both. This story came out more coherently and with more structure than the last, but the structure of the experience made it feel a little less exciting. Last year I had no idea what I was capable of. This year I had confidence but was also scared I couldn't pull it off again.

I love that the month of writing pushes you to just create and worry about editing later. I love that it teaches you to sit and write every day, that every day you have something to contribute. It is a strange experience to spend so much time in your head with new people. I'd be thinking about Mina's pit bull or thinking about how I need to give Anna more attention. Mina was the attention hog. I would be eating breakfast and have an idea-- "Oh! This is going to happen!" Or, "Oh, this has to happen." It was challenging and saddening to think about creating a relationship and then showing its cracks and then letting the women decide what they wanted for themselves.

I don't want to sound like one of those writers, those, "The characters just talk to me, they do. I have conversations with them when I'm in the tub." It's not like that at all. Writing is work; it is the brain firing with complete focus. The other stuff sounds clever and maybe exciting, but it takes away from the fact that it is very, very hard to write. It just is. And having conversations with people that others cannot see or hear is usually very scary-- from what I've heard from people who do this daily.

So. I'm set to edit. I have a clear plan and I know the story's weak points and what needs to be further developed. It feels almost as amazing to finish 50,000 words in a month as to know I'm on such firm ground with the story.

Hey, agent who contacted me a year and a half ago, I'm ready for you!

Pushcart nomination!

2011-11-18T15:44:00.003-05:00

Unsaid's editor, David McLendon, nominated my story "Scouts" to be in the running!

What pride and gratitude! Exuberance!

Lithuania was Exhausting it was Exhausting to do that Letter Thing so Here:

2011-11-18T15:36:00.003-05:00

L: Literary Death Match. I did not win; I did not Milosz in my sights and kiss him with a lipsticked nerf gun dart. But I did laugh and blush and had a great evening. I'm glad I got over my nerves and performed.

M: Milosz

N: Nude Beach! Yes! You could pick which one: both genders or just women. It was incredible to be on a beach with just naked ladies. I wish I could do that more often. And not for some pervo reason-- it was great to be with all ages, feelings comfortable and free in the sun and waves. And, no wet bathing suits= major plus.

MENTAL PROTUBERANCE: A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE

2011-11-18T15:30:00.003-05:00

MENTAL PROTUBERANCE: A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE: A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE: A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE: A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE: A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE: A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE: A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE: A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE

MENTAL PROTUBERANCE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE
MENTAL PROTUBERANCE

A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE
A GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE

MENTAL MOTORCYCLE
GIRL PROTUBERANCE
MENTAL GIRL ON A PROTUBERANCE
PROTUBERANCE GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE

Lithuania: K

2011-10-11T21:29:00.004-04:00

Me, again. This is my blog, right? Okay. I'm standing in the wall of heroes. It is green, red and yellow and has tiles of names of people who were important in gaining Lithuania's independence from Russia. You could also walk through it through people shaped holes. This was across the river, outside of Old Town, near a large highway and rundown, half built apartments.

I spent this entire day by myself, walking in the cold and the grey. I was over-talkative the day before and had an extrovert hangover.

*And just so you don't get the wrong idea-- the two photos I took of myself are among four such photos on the trip. I am not the sort of blog gal who has a section titled "photos of me." Not that there is anything wrong with that-- well, no, there probably is something wrong with that. To be seen in a bathroom mirror holding a phone is tacky. It just is. If you have to have that bathroom self-portrait, find a way to not include the phone in it. It's not hard to do. Or does having the phone contribute something to the larger cultural movement of Internet and media sharing? To show the phone shows that you are a participant in a major brain shift to processing images through a real time filter- to experience something is to experience it on a screen as it happens in front of you. A remove that is then made virtual. Anyway, those are the few photos of my face from the trip.

Lithuania: J

2011-10-11T21:16:00.002-04:00

Jake Levin: A poetry Fulbright scholar, the organizer, the finder of EVERYONE'S hostels, hotels, apartments-- the coordinator of all arrivals and flat mates. The creative force behind the readings, the cultural events and seminars. The leader of a bagel collective and a leader reclaiming Jewish Vilna's history.

And, the man can wear color coordinate his bandannas! Cute.

Lithuania: I

2011-10-11T21:05:00.004-04:00

I am visiting the Baltic Sea, surrounded by fifty foot tall sand dunes. I am taking self portraits. One of these is on purpose, the other isn't. I am thirty-one and I think I look thirty-one in one of the pictures and maybe not in the other. Huh!

Lithuania: H

2011-10-11T20:57:00.003-04:00

Hothouse: A reading inside one, on the grounds of a tiny restaurant across the river.

That's Robin Hemley-- the incredibly funny, awesome writer.

Jake Levin told the owners that they could easily grow mint in the boxes-- and look at them now! They had been empty before his suggestion.

Lithuania: G

2011-10-11T20:45:00.002-04:00

Ghetto: Vilna (the first recorded spelling, the Jewish spelling) was over seventy percent Jewish before WWII. Most were taken to fields and
or forced onto trains and
or fled and

See the small star carved into the cement? This was taken on "German Street," the entrance to the largest ghetto.

I cannot describe the story I read about a rabbi, a Torah and a blade. I cannot.

Lithuania: E (I am mostly proficient)

2011-10-03T14:08:00.004-04:00

Edward Hirsch: I can say that he changed the way I read and write poetry-- in six classes! He is a powerful teacher and it was humbling to be in a workshop with someone so completely devoted to poetry. I return to the poems he picked out for us to study and can hear his New York accent talking about Krakow vs. Warsaw, a city intact and a city destroyed, a city of traditional poetry and a city of modern. And of course, Milosz. Milosz, Milosz, Milosz-- a man born in Wilno (Vilnius).

Hirsch taught me to care about form more than I have in the past. He taught the importance of respecting someone as a "maker." His classes were the academic highlight of the trip.

Lithuania: F

2011-09-20T22:22:00.002-04:00

Fish: smoked, salted-- only fish, no- fisherman points at self-- oh of course, I don't want to make you local color, some folk attraction, your fish is just beautiful, peels from skin and from bone smokey, oily. In a plastic bag on a six hour bus trip next to an Utenos "Basketball Celebration" beer. Eaten at a rest stop on cement stairs, scrape scales from nails, wash hands in beer. Return to bus and try not to touch anything with oily fish beer hands. Smile at person in seat next to me, sip on beer when driver isn't looking.

Lithuania: D

2011-09-20T22:17:00.002-04:00

(You understand)

Lithuania:C

2011-09-20T22:10:00.002-04:00

St. Casimir's: LithuanianPolish/PolishLithuanian. Lithuanian. Polish. Lithuanian. Polish. Lithuanian. Belarusian.LithuanianPolish. Napoleon! Oh, retreat. Russian. Russian: Museum of Atheism. German. Russian. Lithuanian.

Lithuania: B

2011-09-16T12:46:00.003-04:00

Bridges: Padlocks of love: Marriage in the city: Engraved with names and dates: locked to bridges: especially the bridge to Uzipis: the independent republic of artists within Vilnius.

Lithuania: A

2011-09-16T12:43:00.003-04:00

Alcohol: Alaus: Beer: Lithuanian: German: Very good, easy to drink, but not the cloudy amber one with a lemon. Lithuanian vodka: smooth, yes, oh yes, more. Mead: sweet, strong, with cloves with richness. Wine? Not from Lithuania, not very good at all. This night pictured: Utenos then vodka, and vodka with lemon in princess cups. Wolves and beggars.

Amazon Designed a Method to Keep, Keep, Keep your $

2011-09-01T15:25:00.002-04:00

You are now connected to Talvinder from Amazon.com.
Me:I was not able to control what method was used in purchase of the camera and lens. I redeemed a gift card, a credit from a trade-in and a credit card. I returned the lens and was issued a credit in the form of an amazon credit. I want to be able to choose a refund on my credit-card instead.2:22:36 PM
Talvinder :Hello, my name is Talvinder. I'll be happy to help you. 2:22:42 PM
Me:Thank you2:22:57 PM
Talvinder :The refund is always issued in the same method that was used to pay for the order.2:24:03 PM
Me:I understand that. I was not given a choice of what method to use for the payment. I would have used the gift cards for the larger sum and charged the remainder. Since I was not given a choice in payment, I would like to be given a choice of refund.2:25:17 PM
Talvinder :May I know the order number please?2:25:42 PM
Me:just a moment please2:25:54 PM
Me:XXXXXXXXXXX 2:26:34 PM
Me:XXXXXXXXXXX-- this number is for the larger order that had the camera and the lens together. The other number is from just the refund.2:27:38 PM
Talvinder :The refund was issued towards the gift card.2:29:11 PM
Talvinder :As that was the payment method used for this.2:29:27 PM
Talvinder :The refund is issued by the seller.2:29:36 PM
Talvinder :And not by amazon.2:29:41 PM
Me:That is a big disappoint and I won't be doing business with amazon gift cards in the future. I see that is why they applied the gift card to the outside purchase first and do not allow the customer to choose. That way amazon gets to keep the most money.2:32:29 PM
Me:Why is that amazon cannot reply the vendor and I get a refund on my credit card?2:33:29 PM
Talvinder :As I explained earlier the system will not allow us to change the refund method. And its not something we can add an exception to it just that the system is designed in such a way that it wont allow that.2:33:31 PM
Me:The system is designed in a way to allow amazon to profit and the consumer to lose out. these methods should be public information--- and the consumer should be able to choose their payment method!!!2:34:36 PM
Talvinder :There is an option to choose the payment method.2:35:13 PM
Talvinder :We just need to be careful and patient while doing that.2:35:32 PM
Me:Every time I tried to change it, it wouldn't let me. I was careful and I was patient. I even tried to redo the order-- but then I wasn't able to redeem the gift cards again!2:36:04 PM
Talvinder :And amazon does not makes any profit from refunds.2:36:09 PM
Me:Well, it does because I am forced to buy from amazon if I want to use my money. I have to go through Amazon's site-- even for an outside vendor. They are making a profit.2:36:54 PM
Talvinder :Well you paid for it initially with the gift card and at the same has been returned to you and you are back on the same spot, so whats your loss?2:38:13 PM
Me:We are back at the same place. I am out 40 dollars that should have been in my pocket, not on Amazon. I would like to chat with your superior, please.2:39:08 PM
Talvinder :Sure.2:39:25 PM
Me:Thank you.2:39:35 PM
Me:Do you email the chat to them? Transfer me? How does that work?2:40:12 PM
Talvinder :Transfer you to them.2:40:28 PM
Me:Okay, thank you. Please do transfer me.2:40:39 PM
Me:What is the status of the transfer?2:43:46 PM
Talvinder :Doing that right now.2:45:14 PM
Me:Thank you.2:45:22 PM
A Customer Service Associate will be with you in a moment.
You are now connected to Gaurav from Amazon.com.
Me:Hello Gaurav.2:47:53 PM
Gaurav:Hello My name is Gaurav and I'm working as Team Lead with amazon.2:47:57 PM
Gaurav:How are you today?2:48:03 PM
Me:I'm well, but I am disappointed in the way amazon applies gift cards to outside vendors first and then onto amazon purchases. This forces me to get an amazon gift card.2:48:59 PM
Me:I was prompted to "apply gift card" to purchase, but I was not able to select which items I wanted it applied to. I would have selected the more expensive part of the purchase.2:50:09 PM
Me:I even tried to cancel the transaction and do it again, but amazon said I had already redeemed the cards and I was forced to continue.2:50:50 PM
Gaurav:I understand and I am sorry for the inconvenience. 2:51:16 PM
Gaurav:I checked your order and the order was paid with a gift card so refund will be on the gift card .We always refund to the same payment method in which it was charged.2:52:59 PM
Me:I understand that as well. What I am most concerned about it that the outside vendor was selected to receive the gift card first--- I had no say in how my money was used. And now I am forced to buy something on Amazon if I want to use my money.2:53:58 PM
Gaurav:Every order you placed on amazon , the transactions is done through amazon itself ,Outside vendors doesn't have the access to your account and personal information.2:56:01 PM
Me:I understand that as well. I am not suggesting that the vendor applied the gift card to my purchase. I am saying that Amazon applied my gift card--- without my permission-- to the outside order in order to keep a refund (if a refund was needed) in amazon's accounts.2:57:22 PM
Gaurav:If you have gift card applied in your account ,it will be automatically used by the system 1st as a default payment method.2:59:37 PM
Gaurav:This is how the website has been designed .2:59:57 PM
Me:I added the camera first, and then the lens. If the payment was defaulted, it should have been applied the item that I added first. 3:00:29 PM
Gaurav:It is not when you added the item it is when the item is shipped because then only you are billed for the purchase.3:02:18 PM
Me:I got the camera first, then the lens. That would suggest that the camera was shipped first. It was, in fact. I still have the tracking orders from both items.3:03:10 PM
Gaurav:Transaction is done automatically and there is nothing we can do manually.3:06:36 PM
Me:I guess what I am saying is that system is not consumer oriented. I am majorly disappointed in amazon's business ethics-- or lack of.3:07:25 PM
Gaurav:I will take this as a feedback and escalate this to the specialized team .3:08:26 PM
Me:Thank you. What does that mean for my concern right now?3:08:55 PM
Gaurav:I'm sorry but the charges cant be reversed.3:09:24 PM
Me:I'm not trying to be difficult. I want to understand how that if amazon is the go-between for outside vendors-- then money is passing through amazon to them and it should be able to pass back. Amazon should refund the vendor from amazon's account and the refund should be able to come to me, not amazon.3:11:51 PM
Gaurav:The logic is pretty clear here since you were charged from the gift card so the refund will be in the form of a gift card.3:13:40 PM
Gaurav:If this would have been possible, I would have changed it for you.3:14:12 PM
Me:Thank you, I understand that. The logic isn't clear, however. Not giving the consumer a choice how they use their own money is not clear logic. 3:15:48 PM
Me:I understand that this doesn't have anything to do with you-- but I am going to let my family and friends know not not purchase amazon gift cards for me in the future. I am also going to use social media to express my distrust of amazon's business pratices.3:16:39 PM
Gaurav:I'm sorry to disappoint you.3:17:24 PM
Me:Amazon disappoints me. I will absolutely be limiting my use of it in the future.3:18:05 PM
Gaurav:I understand that this experience of yours has not been pleasant with amazon ,I will apply a $5.00 credit in your account,This can't compensate for the inconvenience,please accept this as a Goodwill gesture. 3:21:13 PM
Me:I appreciate the gesture. Thank you and thank you for having patience with me. 3:21:58 PM
Gaurav:My Pleasure.3:22:32 PM
Gaurav:Is there anything else I can do for you today? 3:22:39 PM
Me:No, thank you. 3:22:53 PM
Gaurav:Thanks for visiting Amazon.com. We hope to see you again soon! 3:23:00 PM
Me:Thanks, bye bye.3:23:11 PM
Gaurav:Bye.3:23:36 PM
Gaurav from Amazon.com has left the conversation.
Gaurav from Amazon.com has left the conversation.

BACK TO WORK, WORK, WORK

2011-08-16T20:08:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I return to my normal job. It's going to be surreal and probably painful. But I have a new motivation. SLS was incredible and hard and emotional. I met fantastic people. I can't go beyond general statements just yet. Maybe the way in is to first talk about TSA? Maybe tomorrow.

My feet are green

2011-08-16T20:05:00.000-04:00

after the grass is cut. I'm smiling. You see?

Almost Friday... morning to walk around

2011-08-04T16:16:00.002-04:00

Okay, better to the point of crush, to heartache in the best way

2011-08-02T15:48:00.001-04:00

more views of my apartment and a shot of the local cinema.

So busy!

First day, no sleep for two days, crying, a little more crying, a good walk, a good holy time at both an Orthodox and a Catholic ceremony

2011-07-31T16:03:00.003-04:00

I'm sleeping on a couch for two weeks? Shit, well-- hum. OH HA HUM.

Folio arrived

2011-07-29T14:39:00.002-04:00

I got my contributor's copy in the mail yesterday. I had started to wonder if they just decided, without telling me, that they weren't going to publish my story. It had been that long since I'd heard anything... but here it is! It's very interesting to be in American University's journal because it's clear they have a rather large budget. Glossy paper. At least 25 pages of art. Etc. It's beautiful! I wish that the cover didn't have a teenage girl in a bathing suit, though. She does have a thoughtful face I guess!

How strange

2011-07-29T13:39:00.002-04:00

to think I lived for a year in England and did the transatlantic flight several times with no worry, even on Air France when the bolts were rattling in the plane's bones and they fed me rice cakes as their vegetarian meal, even on the other planes, too, as we flew over Iceland and they showed a picture of a viking blowing hard from that land as a way to remind us that turbulence was normal, when I lived from one large suitcase and was so content.

Two weeks is nothing, right? But it's so different now. I have a "normal" job talking to people with severe, persistent mental illness and an office with a door I can close. I won't be working there for over two weeks. I was walking along Belair Road yesterday and it hit me that I would be leaving the east coast oak trees and dying grass for a place with long days and weak sunshine. The heat off Belair was melting the tar. I was excited in that moment to think about new air and different pollens and barometric patterns. How is it that my life has gotten so small?

I read some of the poems in the workshop packet and worried about the age of the group. I sensed youth. I sensed my own age. It will be fine, I know. I know. And on the subject of cultural differences, I have decided to try images. I started a tumblr for the trip. Maybe you want to see it? Wooden Hinges I do not know if I will actually post anything on it, though, because I am for words. I am for reading. I will post some images here on this old blog, for sure, and write here, too, and continue to believe that the Internet is also for things that require language.

Wish me luck and wish me luck in the Sanskrit-cousin tongue of my mother's people.

Damn, my man is good!

2011-07-28T20:42:00.004-04:00

1972 Ironhead, completely restored with hand fabricated parts, including brass bells, pressure cooker vents and pump plates! Those exhaust pipes were created to fit around the motor and the kick start. Oh, and it's jockey shift.
Yes, Yes YES!

New C-A-M-E-R-A

2011-07-25T19:39:00.004-04:00

My Fifi, 88 years old, the only smile all day
My hubbie is one hot biker

Dali Lama in DC

2011-07-21T09:44:00.002-04:00

"He often says, perhaps only slightly in jest, that he gives these renowned mystical and advanced initiations as a pretext so people will come and thus allow him to spend time presenting the basic Buddhist teachings he feels we really need to hear and take to heart."

It was beautiful to see so many colors of robes on the Metro and on 7th Street.

I made these earrings

2011-07-13T22:02:00.002-04:00

Please don't be jealous of my new jewelry.

2011-07-13T09:56:00.001-04:00

Ronnie, nap. Ronnie, glamour shot. Ronnie, apprehensive.

2011-07-13T09:48:00.003-04:00

My big brother is having a hard time adjusting to me now. He yells this song, "That ol' mutt loves my mommy and I want to bite his face off." He sings the melody to an old, traditional Chihuahua folk song. I try not to take it personally because it's clear he has emotional problems. His name is Machismo for heaven's sake.

I'm enjoying daily pets and catch. I'm starting to live.

Thanks, Keyhole

2011-07-12T08:46:00.001-04:00

I will have three short shorts in the new issue of Keyhole, including my "Voice, Lost" story that I wrote a couple of years ago. It has a home! Hooray. Also accepted: a story about an "unbaptisism" and a story about a woman who owns a car service that runs people out to Jessup to visit their incarcerated family members.

Tattoos and other examples of impermanence

2011-06-30T12:07:00.003-04:00

Final thoughts: EFF it! The devil stays.

Shocked and Stunned and Nervous and HAPPY

2011-06-30T12:02:00.002-04:00

I recently sent the middle part of my novel to a great editor. He is one of my "perfect readers"-- someone who understands what I'm doing and why and who supports me in that effort-- and he wants to publish the ENTIRE excerpt in his upcoming journal...

For real? Oh my gosh!!! Oh! Oh! Oh!

7 Extraordinary Things You Must Know This Instant

2011-06-27T10:58:00.003-04:00

1) "Maxi" dresses are 7x more obscene than "mini" dresses. Firstly, they are almost all made of jersey. Jersey is extraordinarily clingy. Jersey will show just how ill-fitting your underpants are. It will enhance the lumpy and bumpy parts of your legs and your rear-end. Secondly, the name. Please. In conclusion, "maxi" dresses end up being much more explicitly "showy" than a mini.

2) In 7 days I am cutting ties with my iPhone. I am saying good-riddance to bad garbage.* Although I worry that my brain will not develop and evolve like others of my generation and of the Internet generation, I am saying "no thanks" to hyper-connection. That worry about my brain is founded, by the way. I worry about that already because I cannot use facebook without feeling like I'm at a party where everyone is talking and I am overwhelmed by the noise and the self-centeredness. (And I am aware of how self-centered blogging is, thank you!)This is old-fashioned and it is not okay. I will just have to go it alone.

3) I am trading in both generations of my iPhone for Amazon money. I also feel awful about this. But then I think about conflict metals and I am a little less ashamed of using Amazon to get cash for a new camera. But then I feel ashamed of not supporting a local camera store with my hard-earned cash. And then I think about how snobby the local camera stores are and then maybe I feel okay about getting a camera from an anonymous, push all the little guys out store. In the end, I just want to get wicked pictures of Lithuania and I cannot afford a new camera without some help.

4)For the first time in my life I am afraid of being homesick. Truly and deeply and astonishingly homesick. This fear is taking most of the excitement out of planning my trip. I'll be leaving a month! I'll be studying with Edward Hirsch! Whoa! Oh, to be connected to a family and to have my own wants. It is very hard.

5)Uh huh.
6)Yeah.
7)What?

* An acknowledgment: work got me a BlackBerry so I can use the map function for site visits. Apple's map function is much easier and smarter than BB's. So, in theory I will still be plugged in-- but not really and no personal info is on the work phone.

2011-06-17T19:08:00.003-04:00

oh lazy head and stuffy nose and stuffy head and lazy nose and sleeplessness. oh, it must be summer.

bummer.

More Ronnie!

2011-06-17T18:54:00.003-04:00

Okay, I've been here five weeks. Maybe she can pet me now. But not him-- no way is that guy getting near me! I think I like that lady even though I yawn with nervousness and lick my chops obsessively while she scratches behind my ears...

I like that they let me on the bed even if I don't want them to look at me while I'm up there. It's good to be up there, with all the family smells and sleepiness.

It's quiet here, mostly.

Today I went on my first walk around the neighborhood. I was scared about the harness, but then I saw that all the other dogs were doing it, so it must be okay. That crepe myrtle was a bitch. I ran around that thing five times before the leash gave out and I was stuck... but after that I got the hang of it-- I understood that the lady was holding on to me and that was okay.

And man, dingo bones?!! Wow-za.

Ronnie, part two

2011-06-01T12:46:00.004-04:00

Diarrhea, fleas, garbage and grass eating, hiding in closets, hiding under the rose bush, no eye contact, don't even think about petting me, oh wait, treats? Chicken? What? Wet dog food? Okay, maybe we can be in the same room. No, we have to be the same room. I'll follow you around the house, but if you turn around to watch me, I'll run. Wait, what's my tail doing? It's wagging? Huh, that's strange. What is your hand doing? That hand better not be coming near me-- I said don't touch me. Run! Run! Run down the stairs, run up the stairs, run under the bed! What's that sound-- I know that sound, the treat bag! Okay, I'll take a treat from your hand, but don't get any ideas, I mean it.

Count all four of my babes in the bottom picture.

Okay, BMA, I do love you...

2011-06-01T12:28:00.003-04:00

This is a silk painting I did a few weekends ago at the BMA's textile day. It was an incredible, FREE day of demonstrations and talks about fiber art. I fell in love, twice, that day. The first time was during the silk painting workshop-- I was in love with both the medium and fantastic, eccentric, seventy-year-old Egyptian woman teaching the course. The second time was during a needle felting demonstration. It is a simple art, like painting, but without the wait of drying layers, etc. I created a snail by stabbing a barbed needle through wool and yarn into a piece of felt. Katie F. and I both lost ourselves in the process and would have stayed at the table for the duration of the event if I hadn't looked up and noticed a line of children that wanted to try it out.

The event also featured lace makers (whoa), couture clothing, wire and bead work and batik.

A small side note, the streaks in the blue dye are from salt. You throw some onto the silk when the dye is wet. The salt absorbs the water and leaves that incredible speckle pattern.

thank you

2011-05-18T13:58:00.002-04:00

Dishwasher soap and dog treats! A love bunny! A bell for an ignition, an umbrella for an air filter.

Fantastic life!

The Chronicles of Ronnie, part one

2011-05-17T15:48:00.002-04:00

Ronald was in a house with 85 other chihuahuas and 4 cats. There were dead chihuahuas in the house, too. This was in South Philly, in a little brick row house, last July. Ronald was rescued by the Pennsylvania ASPCA and who then reached out to the tri-state rescues to help them place all the dogs.

Ronnie has a limpy leg and no one knows exactly what happened. He is also pretty terrified of movements and noises. He doesn't make eye-contact and doesn't like to be touched. He spent the first day and night at our house in the basement behind the woodstove. The next day he decided to try the first floor. He camped out under a chair. What a big step!

My Sandy loves him and my Machismo just wants to play. We are taking our time with him, letting him get comfortable and make the first moves. I am so happy to have him in our home.

Messy Lady: Lunch

2011-05-12T15:41:00.000-04:00

University of Baltimore's MFA reading, 2011

2011-05-11T16:23:00.000-04:00

I attended the final reading this past Friday. It was so filled with gratitude and love! This graduating class seemed to have a bond, much more so than my class... Watching them (all 18 of them!) interact made me want to go back to UB and do it again, get another MFA from them. Hooray for Kendra and Steve.

Click here for links and pictures of the books they created.

Dang, Lockheed Martin!

2011-05-03T16:34:00.003-04:00

alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5602592818970570306" />
Violation Date: Mar 30, 2011 16:23:33

Actual Speed: 42 Speed Limit: 30

Location: 6114 Harford Road N/B

Weather: CLEAR

Now the City, by way of a Lockheed Martin contract for red light and speed cameras, also offers you a video of your offense. I tried to post it here but the firewalls wouldn't let me. I'll try again later.

My first and second weddings took place right here

2011-04-25T22:44:00.001-04:00

Valley of Fire pictures

2011-04-25T22:39:00.002-04:00

Super Computer vs. Bee

2011-04-14T14:35:00.002-04:00

The bee wins every time.

The daffodils along Harford Road are incredible.
The cherry blossoms on 39th are incredible.
The tulips in my neighbor's yard are incredible.

Thank you, bee.

A birthday, a good one, and stories

2011-04-11T15:18:00.004-04:00

I had a lovely birthday this year. I saw my favorite band. I ate good food. I heard from friends. I feel lucky and loved.

Here is Kill Author and my two stories, "Groundswell" and "An Insurrection." The editors are anonymous at that journal and I really like that idea.

I've been reading like wild lately, too. And Katie F. and I collected tree bark from one of Catonsville's oldest trees that was felled. And then

Mental Protuberance

2011-03-30T15:05:00.001-04:00

A writing post and thanks

2011-03-25T14:13:00.000-04:00

David McLendon is one of the most generous, big-hearted editors I've come across. He posted my story, "Scouts," to Unsaid's website. Please read it here. Brian Kubarycz, Factotum, (as stated on Unsaid's masthead)is also a positive force.

This leads me to my second item. "Contuse" was accepted by Folio (American University) after their managing editor solicited me-- after she read "Scouts." Big thanks to them and to Unsaid, and to the Baltimore people that heard a rough draft of the story when I read it at the 510.

Also-- I was asked to contribute to The Rotating History Project's spring show, The Same River Twice. The piece had to relate to the Jones Falls River in some way. I enjoyed researching the river and its history. I settled on creating a fake scientific paper based on real facts. It's all about clam guts, etc. The piece will be published in a hard-bound book, along with other writers and visual artists, as part of Baltimore's Green Week. I look forward to seeing the show and also hearing about how other people relate to the urban river.
The American woodcock is a chunky bird with a long, flexible, sensitive bill. It also used to live on the banks of the Falls.

An Electric Eye Fell Into My Lap

2011-03-17T12:40:00.001-04:00

How exciting! My mother-in-law's neighbor was getting rid of his 8 mm camera. He wanted to know if she could use it. She said yes and gave it to me. I can't wait to try to figure it out.

THE GREAT ENERGY SUCK!

2011-03-11T12:41:00.000-05:00

THE GREAT WATER SUCK!

AN EXAMPLE OF MAN'S ARROGANCE (AND IGNORANCE AND BRILLIANCE)!

LAS VEGAS!

So, I'm going there.

To renew my vows.

We will rent a car and drive deep into the Valley of Fire, into Red Rock Canyon, beyond the Mars rocks, into Utah, into mountains and ancient marine protein, to call our marriage into being once again, to say to something big, something like, like,

HEY! We have love here!

Apamin-sensitive K+ channels mediate an endotheliumdependent hyperpolarization in rabbit mesenteric arteries

2011-03-09T16:13:00.000-05:00

In other words, I did not contribute to this season's NPR pledge drive. I was asked, repeatedly, to imagine a world without NPR-- a world where the government did not fund public radio. I was asked to give money so it wouldn't matter if the GOP made those cuts.

I decided to take NPR up on that-- to imagine a world without it. I will not turn it on. Not in the morning while I have coffee. Not on the drive to work. Not on the drive home or while I chop seasonally appropriate vegetables. I will not listen to hosts murder phrases, like "Big Fat" Tuesday instead of Big "Fat Tuesday." The pause is slight but very meaningful. Padgett Powell might agree with me.

He also happens to like buffalo:

"I like them because they seem gently wild, as opposed to violently wild, and they have the huge rump-like hump, the giant head, the eyeball the size of a billiard ball. What is not to like? We killed them all."

The man also knows his dogs.

Bees, A Plant LOVE Connection, the essentials...

2011-03-04T14:47:00.000-05:00

Bee-keeping at Oregon Ridge, call 410 562-3464 and talk to Jerry to sign up for the (super) cheap class.

Putty Hill is at The Charles this weekend! I'm very excited to see this film.

Pre-planting love, match making:

corn and cukes in the same bed (Allow the cukes to climb up the corn! It keeps them both warmer and happy)

Jury Duty, huh? Watching boot-legged VHS copies of The Sandlot? Nope, buried my nose in a book for eight hours, drank coffee and ate too many choco chip cookies, made myself feel ill-- but finished REVOLUTION.

Hoping for focus this weekend, a bit of hard work, a return to my book.

REVOLUTION!

2011-03-02T11:53:00.000-05:00

I was going to wait to buy this at the 510, but I couldn't hold out. Here is my favorite paragraph so far:

"That man, that typical drunk gringo in Guatemala, had emerged from the bar, sobering in the light, brushing off his shirt, waving away his comrades, and had taken a new walk-- not the one he took with me, that was just more of the same, minus the drinking-- but the one after ours, a walk he would never return from, not really, not because he didn't want to and not because he wasn't allowed to, but because he couldn't. A typical man is capable of that."

It demonstrates everything that I enjoy about Deb Olin Unferth's style-- the rhythm of the sentences, the way they build something and still hold something back. It's just beautiful.

BMA's new photography exhibit, "Seeing Now"

2011-03-02T11:36:00.000-05:00

Here is my favorite image from the show:

It is by Kenji Nakahashi. Strangely,I can't find much info on him online.I did find this second image-
It wasn't in the show, but it compliments the first image so well that I wanted to share it. It helps to show what I like about "Time -(B)" as well, the way he has fun with abstract concepts. The second photo is titled, "Difference in Time." The small print on it shows that the clocks are one foot apart, and thus, .00067 seconds apart. Time is on different planes, has different weights, has different measurements. I laughed out loud in the gallery-- he resonated with me in such an authentic way.

The show could have done more overall, though. It could have been... more diverse? I seem to always leave the BMA wishing that they took more risks. But, I think things are changing in a good direction (and I do go see each new show, that says something). Take this, for example:

Text Message/Poetry + Fiction
Saturdays, March 19–April 16 2–3:30 p.m.
$75 Members
$100 non-Members

Led by Baltimore writer Justin Sirois, this class will encourage experimentation, invite failure, and help writers of all stages refine their poetry and fiction. Activities are inspired by Seeing Now: Photography Since 1960, pop culture, video games, commercials, comedy, and film. To register, call 443-573-1832 or e-mail programs@artbma.org.

I'm also very interested in this:

Watching You: Surveillance Exposed
Sunday, April 3, 2 p.m.
FREE (space is limited*)

Learn about the role of photography in surveillance—from artists’ subversions of street cameras to exhaustive self-surveillance on the Internet—and explore the local and global impact of this topical issue during a panel discussion organized by award-winning Baltimore photographer and MICA faculty member Nate Larson. Program includes the culmination of a spring 2011 project involving MICA students.

*Tickets are required and available in-person at the BMA Box Office one hour prior to start time. Limit one ticket per person on a first come, first served basis. Reservations not accepted.

Rick Bass, yes.

2011-03-01T16:47:00.000-05:00

"So there are salmon in our trees, and salmon on our rocks, hidden for centuries at a time beneath the history of our lichen. We do not want ghost salmon, but there they are, beneath our feet and in the air, in the smoke of the cedar we burn in winter... We must live with those ghosts, and, as ghosts do, they both haunt and sustain us."

Another Girl on a Motorcycle

2011-02-23T11:18:00.001-05:00

Girl on a Motorcycle

2011-02-23T10:31:00.000-05:00

Marianne Faithful's character rides a motorcycle in a black leather jumpsuit! She loves masochist sex! She dies!

Faithful has lovely sepia tea teeth, royal blood and a kind of falling off a bridge energy-arrogance! The woman is bad-ass, even if the movie played into too many sexist fantasies. (Strange fact, her great great uncle wrote Venus in Furs, the book that birthed the word masochist, after the uncle's last name. )

AWP, whoa

2011-02-07T13:50:00.000-05:00

The only AWP event I attended was the free book fair on Saturday. It was huge-- room after packed room of tables representing schools and journals. The energy was palpable, even though it was the last day of the three day event and it looked like more than a few people had hangovers.

I visited a ton of booths, talked to a lot of strangers, got to say thank you to a few editors who had published me, talked to others that I want to publish me (without saying that, of course)and bought Brian Evenson's Baby Leg.New York Tyrant put it out as a handmade book, complete with Evenson's red hand prints all over the cover. It retails for $35.00, but I picked it up for $20.00-- an awesome deal for such an incredible work of love for all involved. I also got a galley of Kimbell's new book, also by NYT, titled US. I have those two books to look forward to and about eight free journals, including Hotel Amerika and Poet Lore.

It was pretty incredible. I can't imagine being there for the whole conference, though-- one day exhausted me! But, I do want to try to go next year-- plan better, etc. Maybe the economy will be better. Maybe I'll get a raise. Hmmmm, anyway-- it was a good time.

Unscroll and Short, Fast and Deadly

2011-01-20T10:20:00.000-05:00

Unscroll Five has work by Tyler Flynn Dorholt, Kat Dixon, Howie Good, Zachary C. Bush, Micheal Sean Bolton, Kyle Hemmings & Erin Elizabeth Smith. And me. I particularly like Kat Dixon's poem-- a story of a party(?)with fresh line breaks and word couples.

Also, got my one day turn around response from Short, Fast and Deadly-- they are taking a piece I titled "3:30." It was a lot of fun to make the three pieces I submitted work for the strict guidelines-- no more than 420 characters per piece, not including the titles. That's characters, not words. So, spaces and punctuation count. It was exciting to cut, cut, cut. The stories started at around 560 characters. I had to decide that was essential and what (even if I really liked it) wasn't. I think it was a good exercise for looking at my stories in a different way.

Maud found a home! She is going to be a family dog. I'm so happy. So, so, happy.

Maud and Gary are lovers

2011-01-18T13:29:00.000-05:00

So, they are named. I learned that no self-respecting pitbull owner calls the dog a pitbull-- and anyway, she actually isn't an American bull terrier, the official name for those clown-faced dogs. She is a Staffordshire bull terrier-- a smaller version with a longer, more rectangular snout. She takes to training very easily and gives lots of love to all creatures and humans she encounters. A true beauty.

Gary is a schnauzer! After we took him to the groomers to wash away all the filth and knots, he emerged with a smart beard and handsome eyebrows. He didn't look like the same dog. He seemed relieved to be able to see...

They are both characters. I would love to know their story and know how they started to pal around together. One thing that we (rather naively) didn't consider is that they are both not neutered... Their puppies, and we hope they aren't starting to form in her belly already, would be bizarre to say the least! Here's hoping that their love didn't get physical.

Introductions have not gone well because of the chihuahuas. Chihuahuas are very protective dogs and they form an extreme bond with their owners... and my boy's name is Machismo for a reason. He thinks he is the size of the bull terrier while Maud believes herself to be the size of the chihuahua...

That said, we might be fostering these two (after they are neutered). If you know anyone in need of a great dog or dogs, let me know.

New family members...

2011-01-10T15:57:00.000-05:00

The other day my husband drove to a transmission shop. He got out of his truck and two scrappy dogs came running over to him. My husband asked the shop owner if he had gotten new shop dogs. The owner said no, that the dogs had just shown up and refused to leave. He said that he was going to call animal control. Clint tried to call me, but I was interviewing people in a state mental hospital and wasn't allowed to have my phone on me.

So, the guy called animal control and the dogs were sent to the pound. I called my husband back and then Clint called around to find the dogs. He found them, got their numbers. We went up to see them on Saturday. The little terrier mix was still available for adoption. He was filthy, matted, but very happy to see us. The young pitbull girl, however, was not up for adoption. Maryland doesn't allow you adopt pitbulls. They just don't. So, basically, she was going to be there the four days they give owners to claim their animals, and then be killed. The woman at the counter told us, well, since you did see her before she was picked up, I could write that you are going to "reclaim" her. We said yes. The little duo-- a terrier and a pitbull-- are going to become Wyers on Wednesday.

It is going to be a huge adjustment for my two Chihuahuas and my cat. I have faith, though, that everything is going to work out.

Pictures to follow!

Holiday photos, yes, that's the Turnpike, yes, that is South Jersey

2011-01-04T15:47:00.000-05:00

Something pretty, for a change

2011-01-04T15:46:00.001-05:00

I painted a present for my mom.

But, I don't want to be Pope

2010-12-20T10:03:00.001-05:00

Kim Calder's poems

2010-12-10T10:07:00.000-05:00

Here is one stanza from "Sweet Land,"

We usurp and pay. In splinters, alongside the road,
are animals we'd wished to see alive. Sun moves through
a man-made waterfall, making it glitter well.

That's so true and simple-- part of our reaction to road kill is that we want to be able to see them alive.

Kim does an amazing job of moving through concrete images to abstract ideas and back. I look forward to a future collection.

Lithuania dates announced

2010-12-10T09:53:00.000-05:00

I got an email yesterday with the dates for the Summer Literary Seminar in Vilnius. It will be July 31st-August 13th. Somehow I didn't realize that the program was two weeks. I thought it was only one, but I guess I just made that up.

So, wow! Two weeks in Lithuania. I think two weeks is a good amount of time to get a feel for a city. Back in 2000 I spent two weeks in Amsterdam and by the end of that trip, I felt connected to the city in a less touristy way. It's also great to not have to pick and choose which things you want to see, you can see them all.

I'm a little nervous, but mostly excited. I'll be staying in a hostel. I'm about to get online to see how much the flights are and how many layovers it will require. Maybe I can get to spend a day in London and see old friends.

Having the date makes it real now. And it makes me really have to buckle down and save money!

UNSAID ARRIVES!!

2010-12-06T19:34:00.001-05:00

The editor, David McLendon, asked that every contributor take a picture holding the journal and post it to Facebook. This is the photo I took.

My piece, "Scouts," is between work by Anne Valente and Peter Markus. Wow. Wow.

Wow.

Talk about being grateful!

I can't wait to start, to read every page.

It's 4:30 in the morning and I have been awake all night....

2010-12-01T04:31:00.000-05:00

nasty, nasty insomnia

my cat is stalking crickets
and eating them

the dogs and my hubbie are sleeping

I went on facebook for the first time in like, months.
I was going to do one of those quiz things, but then
it asked for access to all of my account info,
including email
and I decided it wasn't worth it
to find out
when the program says I would have
my first child.
I was interested in this quiz only to see the
questions that would determine such a thing.

A friend had it on his wall. It said he would be a father
at age 21. He is now 30, childless.

I am not thinking about children
I am thinking about questions.

I watched most of a movie, "Why Has Bodhi Dharma Left for the East?"
A Korean film, beautiful.

I am going to be no good at work
in a few hours.

I did it! I wrote a novel!

2010-11-30T14:54:00.000-05:00

I finished today, at 50,103 words. I sort of can't believe that I did it, that I finished it. The story was really hard to keep going after 46,000. I had to force out the last few thousand words, but it was challenge and I was up for it. Wow.

Now I have lots of editing and rewriting to do, but I'm looking forward to it. I still haven't seen how many pages it is after I normalize the fonts and sizes-- I worked on three different computers and each had different settings that I couldn't be bothered to change.

Now real life starts again, to some degree. I let all house work, physical activity and laundry go. I wore the same shirt all weekend (and it was a long weekend). I could see my random eccentricities increasing two fold after spending so much intense time in my own head, my imagination.

Can I say this changed me? It did. Hopefully I will get some good sleep tonight and not be running plot lines over and over in my head.

I also want to mention how awesome it was to be charging forward in a pack of people. Marylanders wrote about 35,000,000 words at the time I finished. I can only imagine what the final word count will be for our state. 197 people in MD had already finished this morning. That's an awesome number and an awesome community to feel connected to.

I'm really grateful I did it and that the organization exists.

There were some great pep talks, the best coming from Dave Eggers and Aimee Bender. Eggers used "goddamnit" four times in his post-- surprisingly casual for a mixed audience, but, he did that because he wanted to tell us to just do it, write the thing.

And I did.

Difference and Desire

2010-11-23T13:17:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of a wrapper from a candy I ate in DC. Why save a candy wrapper? And, why take a picture of that wrapper?

It was part of an exhibit at the National Portrait Gallery. There were 175 pounds of candy poured into the corner of one of the rooms. The weight symbolized the artist's lover who died of AIDS. Each person was asked to take a candy from the pile. The artist hoped that by the end of the exhibit, all of the candy would be eaten; his lover gone, again. I was hit pretty hard by it. The act of eating a body is familiar-- hello, every Sunday of my young life-- but that body is always renewing, coming back again and again to be eaten by the faithful. This body was not. This "body" was also wrapped in colorful plastic foil.

Walking around outside the building I saw that a few people had dropped their wrappers on the sidewalk. It was strange to see them discarded like that. Justin suggested that we drop them on the floor of the museum, next to the pile of candy. I thought this would be the best option, the husk and the body, the consumption a cycle. I ended up pocketing it instead. What are the final implications of this interactive piece? Each person participates in the grief of the artist and in the larger grief of AIDS.

That is, unless you find it funny, like two ladies who were just happy to eat the candy. Which is to say, it was a success. People took what they wanted from it-- but they still interacted with everyone else who also took a piece.

I also enjoyed a photograph of a man holding a canary on his fingers, raised over his head. Around him were three cats, all looking up at the bird, wanting it. It was shot in a hazy, overexposed kind of way that was both dreamy and a little frightening.

How about a monocle and some dachshunds? Weimer- sexy? Yes, that's a shiver.

Loved how the naked men looked so much happier than when clothed-- especially O'Hara!

We drove around, guided by a pizza slice. We shook our bodies to mash-ups. We admired a bass-player-- funk, please, funk!-- we drank beer and talked movies. All in all, a good evening in DC.

Now I'm typing by a window, looking at a bell tower and feeling so incredibly, incredibly

happy.

A week, a weekend.

2010-11-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

I am up to 23,207 words on my book. I've reached a tough point and feel a little discouraged. But, I'm gonna finish it. I am!

Many things to look forward to this weekend, including the new National Portrait Gallery exhibit: Hide/Seek: Difference and Desire in American Portraiture. It's about gender and sexuality and spans from Walt Whitman to current day. HERE The Portrait Gallery has long been my favorite museum-- seeing Lincoln's death mask? whoa-- and they are breaking ground with this exhibit.

On Monday I move into my new office. It has a window! No more cubicle for me!

In order to make a TOOTH SWITCH PLATE: one must first discover the need, then draw it, then form a mold, pour it, harden it, market it (in catalogs

2010-11-19T13:37:00.002-05:00

sent to dentist's offices), ship it, include two screws-- to be generous-- paint the wall, mount it.

Only then, can I stare at it while I wait, while suction and such happens, x-rays, water pics.

I brush my dog's teeth with turkey flavored paste.

Still life, Pear Mouth

2010-11-19T13:37:00.001-05:00

Drum avalanche... on my head!

2010-11-12T09:51:00.000-05:00

Last night my husband and I went to a music store in Catonsville. My husband has been saying, "I want to learn how to play an instrument before I die," a statement that sounds dramatic, but one that I can get behind. This music store was selected because I knew they had a large selection of "lefty" guitars. Clint writes with his left hand, but paints with his right, so he didn't know which had he would prefer when it came to guitars.

We met a great guy, very helpful, not pushy, not rude-- like so many music store employees I've run into in the past-- and they started to experiment. As they were having fun, I walked around the store, playing a few chords on this guitar and a few on that one. I saw a resonator-- one of those guitars made out of metal with cones built in as the first amplifier system. The guitars have a great, chunky and rough, sound.

It weighed about twenty pounds, so I decided to sit down to play it. The only available spot was on the platform that held some drum kits. The platform was double high. Well, based on the title of this post, you can guess what happened... the platform tipped over and drums and symbols came crashing down, crashing on me, crashing on the guitars in front of the display. Can you imagine that sound?! So, I was trapped under two drum sets and a crappy platform-- trying to hold it up with my back so the whole thing wouldn't fall over and also trying to put down the twenty pound guitar with one hand without banging it up.

Yes, I am sore today, but okay. The store employees were so kind. After everything was righted (and everything was determined to be okay) I started to shake from adrenaline and embarrassment. I decided to stick next to Clint for the rest of the night.

And the funny thing is, he ended up getting a resonator! Last night I gave him my old glass slide and he immediately started in with some amazing riffs-- a guy that has never played before! I think it is so important to find the right instrument. Something really clicks when you do. In all, a great night. And next time I go to that store, I'm wearing my glasses and a hat... incognito!

Some NaNoWriMo!

2010-11-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

How much more awesome would it be to see ourselves in the transition of elements? In the dust clouds of a volcano, the purple red of a maple leaf, the segmented body of worm or the flashing blue of an Atlantic octopus? That was my fear and trembling, the finding of a rounded and smooth moon snail shell on the beach, picking it up, happy to find one without holes, only to have my thumb pinched by a hermit crab that had made it its home; how perfect a home, vacated and then filled, vacated and then filled until the shell could no longer be used; the creature that had created it, had built it around its soft body, long gone.

********

Corbina. A name that surprised me, a roundness I discovered on her mail after I had seen her working a stand at the farmer’s market. A tall stone of a woman, a strong jaw with large teeth that she probably grinded in her sleep. She was selling heirlooms, giant ugly tomatoes that split their own seams. She was concentrating on a book about soil Ph, barely registering anyone around her. She pushed her toes into the ground, digging them in, wriggle by wriggle, impatient to absorb what she needed to know. I took a dark purple tomato and kept walking. I didn’t look back until I was in my truck. She was standing there, eyebrows gathered, lips in a slight frown. I bit into the blackness. Juice ran down my chin.

********

Those are two paragraphs from my two narrators, a young woman and an old man. I'm at 8,000--- way behind where I'm supposed to be if I want to finish at the 50,000 goal. But, 8,000 words is the most I've ever written for a story and I'm proud of that. I'm setting up to write more tonight.

Aimee Bender wrote the most encouraging NaNoWriMo post the other day. I'll have to cut and paste some of it here later.

New York was just what I needed!

2010-11-02T13:45:00.000-04:00

I actually forgot that things were going on here in Baltimore this past weekend. What I mean is, I forgot that it was also Halloween in Baltimore, like it was Halloween in NYC. Funny, right? But it felt good to be so disconnected from home base.

I would have preferred to be on the beach for vacation, but for a gorgeous weekend in October, NYC is perfect. My husband and I walked and walked and walked. We visited the Guggenheim. We heard Anne Carson talk about Odysseus's wife, about Bridget Bardot and about selling out. Lou Reed walked into the lecture and sat down right in front of Carson. It was quite an electric room. Then, oysters and beer. More walking. Breakfast outside in the Village. Bleeker Street and Marc Jacob's new book store, called "Book Marc." It was super well edited and a lot of fun. Chelsea, costumes, dogs, dogs, dogs!

I know that getting out of town was just what I needed. I signed up for the NaNoWriMo today! That book is finally going to get out of my head.

Whoa! Best of Web nomination

2010-10-26T22:30:00.000-04:00

Hey-ya, I just got an email alerting me to my nomination from LITnIMAGE-- my deranged love poem to Saakashvili has been nominated for the Dzanc Best of the Web Anthology! Super happy time. (Sorry, I think Eunice from SSTLS is rubbing off on me, that book IS so super sad and so super funny, truly frightening and hilarious at once. That's an incredible feat and why I love satire.)

NYC this weekend!

2010-10-26T14:49:00.000-04:00

On Friday I'm going up to NYC to see Anne Carson deliver a lecture at The Philoctetes Center. My husband and I are staying the weekend. I'm so excited to get out of town! And it's Halloween weekend-- an extra bonus.

I've been finding it hard to concentrate on writing. I've blamed that on a lot of things, but mostly attributing it to feeling so underemployed at work. I try to make the most of it, but it seems pointless.

Man, don't you miss the old days when I would have just gone ape-shit about it on my blog? Let it all out? I guess those days are over. A new maturity? Perhaps.

Damn, though. I just sound depressed.

Mountains and other naturally occuring things

2010-10-25T12:22:00.000-04:00

Hooray for a weekend of walking the woods. Hooray for Berkley Springs, Katie F and Katherine O! Woodpeckers, chickadees, prehistoric mud ponds, the most poorly marked trail ever-- numbers? what do these mean?-- earth dog, green bean's long lost brothers, Jazz Masters and crayfish. Yes.

Also, reading A Super Sad True Love Story and loving it!

Get ready for Helloing!

small post

2010-10-18T14:29:00.000-04:00

I had a peaceful weekend. I met a super friendly Matt Bell, heard him read about a mechanical messiah, was captivated by Joanna Howard's lyrical internal meter and got drawn in by Brian Evenson's "Wind-Eye." Wind-eye is the Norwegian word for window in English. I love how one word can grab someone and make them create a story.

Then, Chris Toll held mass on the 11th floor of the Bromo Seltzer tower. The room was white and full of afternoon sun. There were benevolent armchairs. Joe Young brought us "When Light becomes St. Paul" and a discussion followed. I brought original sin and some stuff about taproots. I thought it was a good pairing.

I slept and woke and played Irish music on my mandolin. I bought my cat a jungle-gym igloo. I bought him catnip, but will dispense it carefully because I read cats can give themselves brain damage because they have such little self control when it comes to inhaling the herb.

My understanding of the Understanding Campaign

2010-10-11T11:50:00.000-04:00

Let’s talk about language. I was interested in Justin and Haneen’s choice of the word “understanding.” For those that don’t know, the Understanding Campaign asks that everyone learn the word “FHM” that means understanding in Arabic. So, why understanding? Why should we learn this word?

Understanding, according to Webster’s is, “A state of agreement or mutually tolerant relations between people.” I take this to mean that while we might not understand each other’s cultures, we have come to the understanding that both are valid, both should be respected and both sides need to do some serious work. Learning this abstract concept of a word is a first step. It is a symbolic recognition of a global consciousness.

Our native language serves as a symbol for many things-- cultural and ethnic pride, tradition. Language is one of the first things colonizing powers strip from those who are colonized. Language truly is power. By learning another’s language you are agreeing to co-exist.
Please join me in supporting the Understanding Campaign. Watch the three minute video and decide for yourself.

Understanding

Thank you. And, I actually make a brief cameo in the video!

What about this?

2010-09-03T15:09:00.000-04:00

Birkensnake Three is GORGEOUS!!!

2010-09-01T11:22:00.000-04:00

These came in the mail the other day. They are handmade-- the cover is hand printed, the pages sewn in two signatures. The entire layout is inspiring. I love that the cover folds over the book. The wooden men are from one of the stories-- that's the other thing, I love all of the writing in here. I feel lucky to be in this journal.

Please click here for the free online version-- Birkensnake Three

OR HERE to purchase your own copy. They are only four dollars an issue-- pretty unbelievable for all of the work that went into making them.
BUY ONE

Here is my story: White Knees

This has given me a small shot of happiness, something I've been lacking this summer.

2010-08-19T15:06:00.000-04:00

Sad day at the admission unit.

My weekend

2010-08-09T15:56:00.000-04:00

We traveled one mile into the mine on a blind
mule. Red water ran down our ears and
necks, our toes black with coal mud.

Everyone's sweat cooled in rings.
And the man said, rats know when
the rumbling is coming.

We stumped around in the dark, small
flames on our heads.
Upon leaving the mule kicked out
an angry breath.

My great-grandfather was drowned 600
feet down when he discovered an underground
river with his pick and dynamite.

We drove past the tenement house where
my grandmother lived as a child.
Many people were entering and exiting
the house as we watched from across
the street. That can't be good, I said.
A neighbor came out and we told him about grandma.
Oh, yeah, he said. That house is going back on
sale. The guy bought it for 12,000 and wants 20,000
for it! It had last been rehabbed in the seventies,
based on the dark wood paneling and long mirrors we could
see through the screen door. A doll baby and a purple
bike.

We are looking for the Lithuanian graveyard, we said.
Do you want the haunted one? We don't know we said.
We were given the wrong directions. My mom woke up
early and went driving and found the Polish graveyard, the German
graveyard, the Irish graveyard, the Ukrainian graveyard
and finally the Lithuanian one, too.

We didn't find our dead because they didn't pay for
"perpetual care" and their head stones must have
been grown over. I picked wildflowers and we drank
cognac. My aunt prayed to St. Antony to help us find
them. A man and his son came up and my uncle asked
him about the other Lithuanian graveyard we had heard about.

He took us there. It was in the woods, grown over with moss
and ferns. The stones were felled by roots. Only the largest
monuments remained.

We left. We ate lunch where the Molly Maguires had a secret tunnel.
We saw where they were hanged for being a terrorist sect--
or, to say it another way, for fighting for labor laws for the miners.
We ate chicken wings.

I came home and attended the viewing for Panda. It was a closed
casket because of his self-directed anger. I cried at the horror of it.
His mother came over and thanked me for coming. We hugged for a long minute and
she talked about his smile. I sat down, my ears with the sound of
my pulse. My stomach rolling.

interview at The Collagist

2010-07-29T12:55:00.000-04:00

Here It's about avoiding consciousness.

Overlea plot

2010-07-29T12:48:00.000-04:00

I will demonstrate the hardiness of commercial brands of tomato plants (in my case, Roma and Cherry) vs. the wimpiness of heirloom tomato plants(Black Crim and Yellow something). It's quite remarkable. I think it's the lack of production and not the color of the produce that forced them out of the mainstream. Both have been fertilized only with egg shells (for calcium).

Imagine this:

2010-07-29T12:10:00.000-04:00

You are in a small room, maybe six feet wide by twenty feet long. There is one TV placed in a central location on the wall opposite of where you sit. Regis and Kathy Lee, no, I mean Kelly, are on. You and six other women are reclining in pale green vinyl chairs. You all have IVs hooked up to different liquids. Nurses come around every so often asking if you are nauseated, if you have a headache, if you feel flushed. They provide the ice packs that you must punch to activate. They put these ice packs behind your neck to lower your body temperature. Every so often they draw blood.

Husbands must sit in the even smaller waiting room. One husband sings just under his breath to his wife. You have chosen the recliner by the window. You look out at the vastness of the hospital. You can see where Hopkins stops and the poverty begins. You think about what a hard time you had finding the transfusion unit, how it was like trying to navigate an airport-- not Heathrow, but maybe Atlanta. Your pituitary gland has been activated, which in turn activated your adrenal gland, which in turn spiked your cortisol, which, in theory, your body has a very hard time processing.

You need to eat graham crackers so you don't vomit. You look at the IV in your arm and think about how there is a needle in there. You wonder what would happen if you moved your arm in the way people do to show their biceps, if the needle would bend with the movement of it or if it would puncture the vein. You are, of course, interested in the absurdity of all of this.

Your time is up. The nurse, gently, even lovingly, removes the IV and all the tape. You press down on the opening in your arm. The nurse puts your three vials of blood into a plastic bag with your name on it, she puts an orange piece of paper in the bag, then seals it and deposits it in the type of vacuum tube banks use for their car side service windows. Your blood is pulled to the lab through hidden shoots in the walls.

You walk out of the hospital into the heat. You order an everything bagel with low-fat cream cheese. You want a latte with skim milk. You are given a plain bagel with cream cheese and a small black coffee. You don't fight with the clerk, you just sit and eat. You drive home.

My Mind Says,

2010-07-15T16:33:00.000-04:00

when I get to heaven, I hope I can work for Safeway.
We all long to be used by God.
I have a clear idea of what it means to work. A work/life balance? What a gimmick.
God’s never heard of it. Even in heaven, people stand around and ask each other,
So what do you do?

I bag God’s groceries, that’s what. And there is shame in that. And there is pride in that.
And I have formed my entire
analog self around the job.
My mind’s representation is in uniform.

The recommended Hmong translation for "X chromosone" is forty-six words long

2010-07-14T14:13:00.000-04:00

1. I'm reading a great book. It's titled, The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: A Hmong child, her American doctors, and the collision of two cultures. The Hmong are an ethic minority from the highlands of Laos. The CIA trained them during the Vietnam war. They were given refugee status after the conflict. The book is about consciousness, really, the way we indoctrinate our beliefs, the way we practice our cultures. The girl of the title has seizures of the grand mal type-- only her heels and the crown of her head touch the floor during a fit. You can imagine the "collision of two cultures" that occurred when her family tried to get her help. I couldn't settle on a quote. I could have given you one about how opium funded the Vietnam conflict, about how the placenta is the "life jacket" you return to after you die, about how the soul must be tied to the body by ceremony-- souls like to wander away, how American soldiers were paid 400 dollars a month for service, while the Hmong got 3 dollars a month, the Americans got "turkey loaf, ice cream, beer, ham, eggs, etc., the Hmong were only given rice...

2. *^&$(#&(

3. I'm going to host a charity for Women for Women. It's a non-profit that benefits women of the Congo. It won't be the first charity I've hosted. The first one, for the Potomac Conservancy, raised two thousand dollars. I think I could make that much again, but I'll be aiming higher this time. Oh yeah, by the way, 5 million people have been killed in the Congo, the worst conflict since WWII. It's happening in my lifetime! Jesus H. Christ.

4. Completely non-writing related posts of late. I'm still doing it, writing, that is.

5. It is hard to form words without teeth. Conversation takes a lot of repeating.

6. I am taking a modern dance class. Last night was fantastic.

7. My friend KFO sent me a link to an article about how Facebook, Twitter, etc, are all ways of distracting ourselves from ourselves-- of really being with our thoughts. Solitude and Leadership It's well worth a read.

8. I've eaten a few zucchinis and two handfuls of peas from my garden. Several tomatoes are a gorgeous orange right now, almost ready to top homemade pasta!

9. After almost a month and a half of not duotroping, I blitzed it today, boys.

A ligature risk

2010-07-02T19:32:00.000-04:00

is what the CEO of Spring Grove called a gas lamp chandelier in a picture of the hospital in the 1920's. Electricity was still unreliable. Doctor's operating theatres always had picture windows to let in natural light, in case the bulbs went dark in the middle of a procedure. Procedure.

A veteran of WWII, a former employee of the hospital, told me, "You better get some combat boots."
I said, "Oh, you mean for the tour of the campus?" We were to walk about a mile and to be shown where buildings used to be ( and be warned that sometimes sink holes open up when the earth settles into subbasements.)
"No," he said, "When the Arabs come, those shoes won't cut it." I was wearing two and half inch wedges.

I had some hesitation about repeating this, after thinking about how I presented the homophobic and racist comments of my brother-- that my repeating them was giving them audience.

My reply to the man was, "Oh my." The small circle of people dispersed.

He later said, to the roomful of people as the conference ended, "Go home and have a martini-- don't take Thorazine, that stuff will kill you." He was responding to a speaker that talked about how a woman had had 80 electro shock treatments and a partial lobotomy and was still uncontrollable. She was in the first Thorazine trial and within a year was employed in the community. I don't know how she had any brain left.

It was a full day. I learned that it was the Great Depression that broke taboos about family attachments. Prior to the GD, if you had a schizophrenic aunt, you took care of her at home. This meant a basement, usually. After the GD, people no longer felt shame about giving their relatives to the State. It broke all kinds of codes of behavior.

I saw a "psychodrama theater" from the 70's. It was attached to a laundry building from the 20's and an office building from the 40's. The hospital now uses that mash up of a building as storage. They don't use psychodrama anymore. I'm sure they can't "bill" for it.

The CEO pointed out that the grounds offer the same soothing qualities as back when the patients and the staff played baseball games together. That's something, considering over 60% of the people there are forensic -- court-ordered, and they aren't allowed outside at all...

One last thing. One photo from the 60's featured a doctor measuring out prescriptions. He was smoking a pipe in the pharmacy.

That’s It!

2010-06-22T15:02:00.001-04:00

Think of the dark boil on the mitochondria,
the individual angina pectoris, that is, heart ache, of each cell as it divides
and carries the hereditary handicap of Original Sin.

It’s molecular, this badness.

That’s why you stole buns from the street vendor and stuffed them
into your bra.

Overdue things

2010-06-14T10:46:00.000-04:00

One thing that isn't weeks old: Read my story, "only of motion" here PANK

Two weeks ago I took the Megabus to NYC for the Bushwick Open Pages fair. I've been on Ugly Duckling's mailing list for at least a year and when this invite arrived in my inbox, I jumped on it. I started following them because of their Eastern European writers focus. And, the letter press journals they create are beautiful. I sent a query letter to Linda half a year ago, but they aren't publishing books outside of their series. It was an exciting day. I talked to editors of Gigantic and BOMB as well as UDP. I have to say, I expected to walk up the subway stairs and fall in love with Brooklyn, but no such thing happened. It reminded me too much of South Jersey, with its abandoned warehouses and chop shops.

I then interloped at a DOGZPLOT reading. Barry was kind enough to let me read, oh wouldn't you know, I do have some stories on me... It went well. When a woman says the "p" word it gets laughs. The after party was fun. KGM is as lovely as you imagine. Peter S. in his underwear, flashes the audience. Such a long walk to PENN, but it was worth it. Took the late late bus back.

Sometime between the fair and the reading I stopped into a Russian Souvenir shop on 2nd Ave. The elderly owner was born in Belarus. He kept calling it "White Russia." I didn't ask him about that. I bought a small lapel pin of a bird with a word that doesn't translate well. He said it means something like museum. I don't know. He smelled like sausages, but was very kind.

Last week I attended the On Our Own conference at Rocky Gap in Cumberland. On Our Own is a peer support organization that helps people with mental illness live fuller lives. My work sponsored me and one of my co-workers. Last year I attended and spent too much of the time drunk or hung-over. This year I walked some ten miles of trails and swam in the gorgeous lake. I mark this conference's anniversary as the time when I really slapped myself in the face and demanded I make changes. And I have.

The Baltic people know a good time...

2010-05-25T15:13:00.000-04:00

So many thoughts about this. After talking with my friend Peter I've become aware of themes in my writing that have to do with identity and belonging/being outside of a culture. He could say that much better than I just did. I've had trouble with this fascination of mine after reading about how Romantic irony (I am both in the world and have an awareness of the sublime and I am isolated because of my private self awareness) birthed nationalism. And nationalism, as we know, birthed many of the horrors of the last century. I've been moving towards a more neutral stance about preserving this "pride" (although I was happy to read that the Lithuanians were the absolute last European country to adopt Christianity and when they finally believed in Jesus they depicted him with an outrageous amount of Pagan symbolism) of culture or heritage and thinking that I should consider myself nationless. This parallels what Zizek was saying about environmentalism-- in order to actually preserve ourselves and our planet we have to see ourselves as alien, not part of the natural system. So, in order to preserve the order of government, we must move away from identifying with the symbols, the flags, the colors that represent it.

BUT.

The first thing a colonial power or a Christian power, oh that's redundant, does is remove language and indigenous culture. Economic dependence follows, poverty follows. Nationalism through Romanticism is what preserves identity. "I am different in these ways, different like all of these other people." And colonialism, not nationalism, is what continues to create the horrors of this century... that rough individualism that allows Brazil to import milk after exporting it first to Europe. By colonialism I mean capitalism, of course.

I suppose I am saying that I am going to continue to identify, in a Romantic way, with my Lithuanian roots. I've just now worked through any ambivalence I was feeling about this.

The photo is of a famous singer from Chicago-- a city that has more "Lithuanian" people than the capital of Lithuania. He was pretty fabulous, what with his aluminum sneakers and tinfoil pants. The rhinestone "R" is what really got me, though.

One last thing. This celebration of Lithuania took place at the Catonsville Armory. With tanks and army recruiters. Ha!

ANALOG MAPMAKER+LOST PERSON=

2010-05-21T15:15:00.001-04:00

Gosh, I hate to admit it, but I think doubt is creeping in. I'm starting to feel self-conscious when I write and that automatically kills the piece. I'm twenty-three pages into the book. I'm very pleased with what I've written. I know that this story hasn't been told. I am confident in that. I'm starting to worry that maybe people won't want to read about a six year old and his idea of what sex is. Or matricide. Do people want to read about that? I'm just feeling lost. I feel like my poetry collection is strong, but I know better where not to send it then where to send it. I am very aware that I need an editor. It looks like I am going to start going to those Buffalo things. Or, I just need to start going out again. I've been cloistered at home, content. The need to shake things up is in my genes. I can blame it on my dad's side, if blame needs be assigned.

Maybe this is because I am reading, get this, THE ORIGIN OF CONSCIOUSNESS IN THE BREAKDOWN OF THE BICAMERAL MIND! (exclamation point is mine) Summary of the first 68 pages: Language is the root (ha, see) of consciousness. Language evolved from concrete things-- like the word head-- that then developed into metaphorical uses to symbolize other things-- the head of an army. Metaphor is what created consciousness because it allowed us to see ourselves in a distinct way, as separate from the reality of our environments. Here is a quote, "Subjective conscious mind is an analog of what is called the real world. It is built up with a vocabulary or lexical field whose terms are all metaphors or analogs of behavior in the physical world."

I want a vacation.

telephone........................................................... ring

2010-04-15T14:29:00.000-04:00

Ah, what a day.

I've been tracking 63 people that were discharged from Upper Shore Hospital when it closed because of budget cuts.

About twenty-five of these people have been incredibly hard to find.

Today I called a number I've tried a bunch of times before. A family member picked up and told me that the person I'm looking for is dead. He died last week of natural causes.

The average lifespan of someone with persistent, severe mental illness is twenty-five years shorter than a peer without mental illness.

Another father I spoke with said that he kicked his daughter out because she won't take her medicine. She is living in the car in the front yard.