well, this is my morning as i try to write when everyone around me is talking the usual office language and trying to pull me in and don't you know

And, oh my lord, this
this is a morning
I held my little dog as
she shivered with stomach
cramps and I told her
oh my lord
can you believe the

Gotterdammerung damn
me after all the hard
wetness on my face
and his cum in my hair

it is not yet enough
to wake and be grateful

it is not enough at all
where is my absurd, my midnight
negatives destroyed, saliva
damp baskets of hands

come here

and pick which ones are yours
I have adhesive and a good
sense of color
I think these will do

I am your creature,
it is the morning and
my dog...

Utne interview

I spoke to Danielle Maestretti from Utne Reader yesterday. The magazine "delivers daily digests of the best in independent ideas and alternative culture." She found my smart-alec post about Baltimore's literary scene and wanted to know more! I spoke about Baltimore's DIY mentality and the way that it fosters avant-garde/experimental art. I hope that I was well-spoken. I have always found talking on the phone difficult because I rely so much on body language. If she uses anything I said it will appear in January's issue. Neat.

draft

He always fell asleep first and she would move into his space, move onto his mouth. It is not kissing if you do not move away; to kiss you must leave the other mouth. She would press her lips firm and flat against his lips and hold. He would wake, of course, and smile and kiss her. He would move his head away from her mouth. When he closed his eyes she would do it again. Open mouth to open mouth, not moving. There is breath here, but more than that, there is awareness of the separate self, that one will still breathe when the other ceases to. He pulls his head away, again. One should not be forced to remember.

absurd absurd oh lordie absurd

Life, that is.

I finished my essay on Uranium and Helium for Diagram. Here is an excerpt:

When you first start to think about Helium being a by-product of the decay of Uranium, you wonder if it’s the same thing as seeing the CIA in a stranger’s glance. That is, what kinds of connections are you drawing? Are you sane? Has a kind of nuclear terror lodged itself in your marrow, a bright heat in your bones? You should not be imagining burning bodies at your daughter’s party. What is wrong with you?

There are people that believe in God! There are people that believe Uranium is a righteous element! The God people from all over meet the Uranium people from all over and a common lust is formed. Whose Armageddon will come first? Who will say I told you so? Whose reward will be more just? The Uranium people whisper to the God people that they should join teams.

Towards the end of the party you start to describe to the remaining girls that Helium is a gas that is lighter than the elements that make up air. They giggle. You said gas. You tell them that the element started off as a rock, one of the heaviest rocks on the planet. The rock got lighter and lighter as it threw off energy. Radium became Radon became Polonium became Lead and so on. This balloon, you say, as you tug on its string, is floating because the element inside was once radioactive. Like an X-ray? says one girl. No, like chemo, says another. They are cool with science. She is relieved. She smiles her gummy smile, tell them about bombs, she says.

Let's hope the Mr. Monson likes it.

I watched Pu-239 over the weekend. It was disappointing. The actors were British doing Russian accents. Why not just use Russians? There were some beautiful moments, like when the man who was exposed to 1000 hertz of radiation is describing decay. The film was based on a short story. I'll have to try to find it.

I found lots of my dad's books with his markings inside. I took: Imaginary Beings, The Age of Reason, a beautiful set of Fitzgerald with deckled edges, and some Kafka. I was reading The Age of Reason and Kafka at the time of my mom's surgery. I was able to finish the books using my dad's copies. I got to see his marks instead of some other persons (my copies were bought in WV at a second hand store-- a WV reading Sartre-- right on!) I had no idea we had similar tastes. Of course this makes me sad and angry because I would have liked to have talked to him about books. But, I suppose I am having a one-sided dialogue with his underlines and notes.

Does anyone know of any open jobs? I love my job, but I make shit. Seriously.

Right, There is This, Too

Don't you know I have a little Ragged Dick in me? (booo, I know)

Anyway, LITnIMAGE is taking my love song to a man likely to die from polonium poisoning, the beautiful bruiser Saakashvili.

I am happy.

I am Home with My Pack

Going grocery shopping in my old hometown was awful. I went stomping around the strange aisles certain that I would run into someone from high school. Luckily, I didn't. I have no bs tolerance anymore.

Mom and I watched God on Trial on Netflix's instant play. Watch this movie. Watch it! It's about Jews in Auschwitz putting God on trial for breach of contract. Witnesses are called for and against the argument. The discussion evolves to include the role of suffering, the absent God, rewards in the next life, etc. I admit that I have to watch the last half an hour again. The extra glass of wine made me a little too sleepy. I want to be sharp and absorb it fully. It's a Masterpiece Theatre production. I wanted to watch it despite my half-formed boycott of modern WWII movies.

I am more than distraught by the violence, particularly against women and girls, in the Congo and the lack of world wife effort to protect them. I looked into becoming a UN peacekeeper. (seriously) They need women desperately. I have decided to write King Leopold into the movie that I wrote last spring. That way maybe some more people will know about that Belgian fiend and the resulting blood. I just need to save some money to rent the equipment from CAMm...

I went out with my husband last night after I got back from NJ. I was so relieved to be home. I thought I might have to live in a scary motel on rt. 40 because I need to shape up. (seriously) We worked things out.

We had dinner and then watched A Serious Man. The "goy's teeth" was my favorite part.



Don't you know the tornado is always coming?

4am wake up, silver heat beret, seagull smock,

kiss, alone

coffee, will marcelle keep the baby? Will this fox man shut up?

Cursing in Lithuanian with my aunt. My poor uncle silent.

Blood drain throat, pin point pupils, beautiful bones, mom

waiting, waiting.

She is well, can speak.

I wash her hair in the kitchen sink. I make tea, soup.

I have a mother.